By Steve Austin
Of course the first (of the most recent) wars for oil was held in 1991, as we liberated millions of barrels of Kuwaiti oil from their Iraqi conquerors. But we didn’t free the millions more that were held hostage by a brutal dictator inside Iraq. Poor barrels of oil.
Fortunately, some bright minds in the oil business had a plan to help the oil: elect as president the oil-man child of the president who didn’t get a chance to finish the job, then find a convenient excuse to begin the oil liberation process. Sure, the convenient excuse had to be tortuously tied to the oil-liberating scheme, but it worked because we Americans just don’t like oil being held captive. We prefer our oil to be free, like all good God-fearing democracy loving oil should be.
Anywho. It was 10 years ago that the military operation to free the oil began. Oh we were told it was really a war to free people, but we knew. We knew because we have never cared about brown-skinned, non-Jesus believing, robe wearing, socialist freedom haters. Sure they had gun toting and women-oppressing going for them, but in the end it wasn’t enough. And we were ok with it. We needed to free the oil to ensure that we could get to the mall in our SUVs and back to our McMansions. That oil needed to be free, and in our tender care. As the oil-freedom-lovingest man in the country once said, “The American way of life is non-negotiable.”
As part of his clever mind-game with the oil-enslaving dictator, the president insisted that it was disloyal to claim the war was about oil. Treasonous, really. So most of us stayed silent, and prayed for the oil to be safe. I think we assumed that this was part of the military strategy to free the oil; if the enemy really thought that was what we were after, they would have guarded it more closely. Now that the oil is safely in our hands, we can breathe a sigh of relief that, yes indeed ha ha, it was a war for oil all along.
“People say we’re not fighting for oil. Of course we are. They talk about America’s national interest. What the hell do you think they’re talking about? We’re not there for figs.” Former Senator, now Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.
“I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.” Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan
“Of course it’s about oil, it’s very much about oil, and we can’t really deny that. From the standpoint of a solider who’s now fought in the middle east for six years – my son-in-law’s fought there for four years, my daughter’s been over there, my son has served the nation – my family has been fighting for a long time.” General John Abizaid, commander of the troops in Iraq.
From former Bush 2 speechwriter David Frum regarding the relationship of Vice President Dick Cheney and ostensible Iraqi savior Ahmed Chalabi in 2002. “He and Cheney spent long hours together, contemplating the possibilities of a Western-oriented Iraq: an additional source of oil, an alternative to US dependency on an unstable-looking Saudi Arabia.”
Sure hundreds of thousands of Iraqis died trying to keep the oil from us. But they lost, as God no doubt ordained. And it only cost us $6 trillion dollars. And it only cost 4,486 American lives and the lives of at least 389 soldiers of other nations who love oil freedom as much as we do. It only cost tens of thousands of wounded soldiers. And it only cost most of what was left of our national humanity.
In return we got cheap oil forever! Hurray for us!
Wait, what? Oil isn’t flowing freely into every American gas tank? We aren’t filling our pools and hot tubs with the stuff? Every child in the US isn’t given his or her own barrel of oil on every birthday?
What happened? What was the point of setting oil free, if oil isn’t free?
As Johnny Rotten once said, “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”